Thursday, December 10, 2009

Somewhere Out There

Out where dreams come true.

Feeling vague and unsettled. No one knows the future, of course, but we can put this nice spin on our own planning when things are not going down fast. Watching my dad reach a nadir of as yet unknown depth has been a bitter experience. There are things with no fixes. You know that. And yet.

My dad's uneasy relationship with his own health right now and the fact that we are still doing the family care-giving 'wait and see' means we are focused on him in a probably unhealthy way. I know people give this kind of care to their relatives day-in and day-out for years and years. I won't being doing that regardless of the cost to my dad and me. Arranging for care will be challenge enough. A care facility might be an easier choice. For me anyway. But he adamantly wants to stay in the house he's been in for nine years. Of course, we bought it with the possibility that my parents could stay in it in old age and infirmity. It is handicapped accessible. My dad likes it. Perhaps too much.

It means I have trouble focusing on joyous things. Like the brief sunshine out there on a cool day. Like reading the paper. Or just editing a shop window picture and writing something. Like having a drink and some good food and visiting with friends.

It's only a couple of weeks until Christmas. My lack of festive feeling is pretty complete. If I get to go to the ballet tomorrow night to see "The Nutcracker" and maybe go to a couple of holiday parties, maybe that will change. But I'm pretty sure it won't. This holiday is a wash for me. Not that I need a holiday. I'm not religious and I'm retired so I don't need a vacation.

Except I do. I need a vacation from responsibilities. But no one gets that. Maybe next year at this time I'll feel festive, though.


Forrest Preece said...

Thanks for posting your thoughts. This time in our lives is pretty unsettling to me, too. I think we're both still getting used to our new living situation at the condo and now this is happening. Lots of change and uncertainty.

It's quite a juxtaposition to read your words and then see those photos scrolling past on the right. How much fun to remember all the good times we've had. Never a day goes by that I don't remind myself how lucky I am to have shared so much with you.

Forrest Preece said...

It's funny-- we're the only two people on the face of the planet who can look at those photos and know where we were and what we were doing when they were taken. That's pretty special.

Linda Ball said...

Yeah...and perhaps the only people who think they are cool pix!