Choices

I was trying to choose a picture for Austin Daily Photo. I finally fell back on something that I'd used with a different crop on this blog because it had a flag. A flag distorted by a circular window over at the Avenue Lofts. (I'm a sucker for circular windows, but that's another story.) Every day I have to post a picture over there that is somewhat different from the previous ones. Have to is too strong, of course. It's a commitment with no consequences if I default. Some things, a lot of things, are like that.

I chose this picture rather arbitrarily for this entry because I really have an obsession with reflection and this shop window on West Sixth presents a fall theme.

We make so many choices every day. Yesterday I decided to do the following: (1) clean the dining table and the console and glass shelves; (2) work on a writing project for a possible newspaper column that didn't really come together, not yet anyway; (3) work on a Christmas postcard to be sent early in an attempt to stop some errant holiday mail; (4) transcribe some old paper journals and write in my private journal; (5) watch the rest of The Commitments, a movie FFP asserted he's already seen that we rented from NETFLIX; (6) do a workout of fifty minutes on the recumbent bike and a few free weights and weight machines; (7) shower off the sweat from number six; (8) walk with FFP to the Film Festival office to pick something up; and (9) impulsively (a sort of common impulse between us) stop at the new Corazon (old Castle Hill) for soup and salad; (10) read all the day's papers as well as a pile of sections from prior days; (11) watch the entire movie Giant for the umpteenth time; (12) watch some police procedurals; (13) find a new dentist; and (14) work a bunch of crosswords. No, that wasn't my 'to do' list but the things that I actually chose to do and, by golly, for whatever it's worth, DID.

So today was blank on my calendar and I was thinking of taking a walk while FFP went to an interview, maybe cleaning house, working the Tuesday Times puzzle, getting a workout. FFP decided to walk with me so we stopped in time for him to get back and clean up and go to the interview. And while I was walking the dentist called and instead of waiting until December 10th to get my teeth cleaned, I could do it at 11. So, yeah teeth cleaning and X-Rays that were really digital. (Did you think they could make holding the film in your mouth more uncomfortable? Yeah, they did. Instead of a thin piece of film, it's a CF disk or something.) But no big deal. My teeth are clean, I've had my lecture about home dental hygiene. I have to go back to see the dentist for a thorough intake exam. Yeah, but I'm not buying off on optional work, by golly, not after last year's fiasco with the old dentist.

Now I just don't feel like doing anything. Except maybe taking a nap. But teeth cleaned. An accomplishment for sure. And, for what it's worth, I can walk to my new dentist.

Time and Space

I was feeling an extra dollop of my usual end-of-year not exactly depression but, well, a sadness. It has nothing to do with the holidays, really. It's just that a year-end and a quarter-end means all kinds of taxes and stuff that just aren't fun. Plus it's only a few months until I want to get my stuffed pared down to condo-size and close on another home so we will temporarily have too many homes.

Today's picture shows a little miniature store full of miniature things. It belonged to my mother After she died, I gave almost all the miniatures away. She had a lot of them. I gave most of them to my sister in Colorado but a few to other people to remember her. I photographed a lot of them before I packed them to give away. How funny is this? A miniature pile of 'stuff' in a miniature junk store.

Anyway, so yeah, I was feeling sad. I'm always a little overwhelmed by W2/W3/1040/Texas Workforce/Sales Tax/Property Tax/Franchise Tax/941 and such and with the added stress of closing another residence and getting rid of all this stuff, it just was sort of taking the joy out of life.

And really there is nothing sadder in a way than going through a box of souvenirs from trips and wondering about the person you were and the person you wanted to become and never did. We have gotten rid of a bunch of stuff, though. Besides all the stuff I mentioned the other day, the garbage can got stuffed with a bunch of old business diaries of FFP's. And one of his old clients will send someone over to get press clippings and stuff he uncovered from the mid-eighties. I was pondering what to get rid of and what to keep out of some kitchen stuff that we had. Then I dropped and broke a ceramic oven/microwave pan. And, well, there you go. That's one the mover definitely won't have to deal with.

I'm cheering up somewhat now, caught in the space between the holidays when it's still too early to really deal with any of the tax forms and it's easy to take a small break from downsizing and go to a few parties and watch movies. And drink a little. Besides...I'm cautiously optimistic that my dental problems are getting better in some kind of maybe permanent way now that I've recovered from the root canal. Here's hoping.

So, really, no worries, right? I am pretty healthy, not hurting much of anywhere, can probably get all the taxes filed and paid (with a little professional help), can probably pull off buying the condo and when push comes to shove, get rid of all the junk in this house. And what, after all, can I do about any of it on a Saturday night in the holiday gulch between Christmas and New Year's Day? I think I'll just have a drink and do a little reading.

The Future is Bright but Fuzzy

I couldn't hold the camera steady enough to improve the view from the third floor veranda at the old Austin house where the Heritage Society Christmas party was held last night. The fuzzy yet bright picture of some of the downtown skyline captures my mood about the future just now. And, yes, I was drinking. And taking 600Mg of Advil every 6-10 hours.

I don't know what's going to happen with my toothache and mouth burning. Right now I'm getting over the root canal. It hasn't been too bad. I go long minutes, hours even, without thinking about it. I finish up the root canal treatment next Wednesday. I'm not sure how much of my symptoms it will alleviate but the sore knot on the gum isn't as bad and the tooth's nerve was dying according to the endodontist. A bottle of heavy-duty painkiller sits in my drawer, bought cheap at the MedSavers but likely unneeded. Ditto a round of antibiotics. Both scripts were given 'just in case.' Just in case the Advil doesn't alleviate the post procedure 'discomfort'. Just in case the gum swells up. I haven't had any extreme pain or swelling. I had some discomfort and it is sore to actually chew on the temp over the root canal so I've avoided it as much as possible. (As instructed.) My symptoms (a cycle of mouth burning and a little refractory pain) have sort of returned but the achy feeling deep in that tooth is gone with the nerve. It isn't horrible and between the times it hurts it feels pretty good. And when it hurts it is irritating but not debiliatating. Maybe when the trauma of the procedure is over ("This discomfort is normal and usually subsides in a few days, but may take as long as 1-2 weeks.") everything will return to my normal happy mouth before the procedure in August. I remember never having to think about my mouth being comfortable but the memory is getting vague.

But enough of my complaining.

Things could be so much WORSE. My health otherwise seems fine. I attribute this more to avoiding doctors than seeing them. I should have done the same with the dentist perhaps and just opted for cleaning and X-rays and not removing old dental work and putting in new crowns.

While I am hopelessly 'behind' on the downsizing effort I did get some done this week. Stuff has been removed. And FFP is sending an e-mail to a friend in an effort to divest himself of a collection of Kennedy assassination books and periodicals. I must make a similar nod to the great ejection of stuff.

I still haven't decorated the house AT ALL, but I have a little table of gifts I've wrapped or received. I'm going to take pictures of other peoples' houses at parties and post those on Austin Daily Photo and thereby co-opt the spirit of others. I'm going to see Ballet Austin's "The Nutcracker" tonight and see if the snow on the stage can exorcise the dreary rain outside.

In other good news, some social events got canceled and we can spend more time to ourselves over the next couple of weeks.

Think Globally, Eat, Um, From Everywhere

Last night I did NOT eat this. The picture captures an impromptu 'surf and turf' of lobster and lamb that a friend got at Jezebel one night in August. I didn't take my camera last night but we went to 34th Street. I thought of going downtown but 34th Street is closer and, this time of year, people crowd up going to what I call the Trial of Lights. It's actually the 'Trail of Lights.' Maybe they got rained on last night. Serves 'em right. Bad traffic-making is the trial.

Anyway, 34th Street is lovely and closer to the house. I did not have lobster, nor lamb. No. I had the most politically confusing meal ever. A half dozen raw oysters. Blue Points from Canada. And foie gras. It was either from California or New York, I think, the only current sources in the U.S. Actually I shared these two dishes with FFP. My entrée? A dish designed around a program called 'edible Austin.' It was bison stew with root vegetables. The meat and vegies came from within miles of the restaurant. The idea is for chefs to put on dishes that, you know, don't burn a lot of fossil fuel getting to the table.

Oh...and I had two glasses of wine. I think one was from California. And one from Italy.

And, hey, my yogurt comes from Austin, too. And I'm about to go have some before I go, gulp, get a root canal. So if you don't hear from me for a while, just think 'ouch!'

Good Cheer

I usually wear only black and gray. But I wore my red jacket last night and we took some friends to a wine dinner at Four Seasons new Trio restaurant. I had what would soar into a bad screaming toothache but I managed to smile in front of the tree for a quick picture when we were leaving. This was around 9:30. I put up with the pain until midnight and then took some Advil. The good news is that my toothache is getting localized enough that I'm hoping that the endodontist can figure out what to do. The other good news is that it an OTC painkiller helps a little and makes it bearable. The bad news is cost and pain and all that. But around the BP house we've taken to saying "yeah, but it isn't life-threatening!"

It's December. I can't believe that. And so Christmas is really here before we know it.

I got FFP to shoot this picture because my niece wanted to make Christmas tags with pictures of the givers and recipients so her little boys could easily sort the packages and see pictures of the relatives that sent gifts from far away.

I'm not in a particular festive mood but visiting with our friends was a delight and we had a great meal, paired with Lamborn Family Winery wines. It is amazing to get away with friends, to gossip and to talk about truly important and also really trivial things. This couple is so busy that we were more than delighted to find a night we could spend together so pleasantly. My toothache couldn't even spoil it. (The wine might have soothed it a little, too.) The monkfish and persimmon salad was to die for, too, and the beef sublime. (I save my beef moments for truly good stuff.)

Today is (or was to be) the beginning of another month of blogging, courtesy of Holidailies. I was puzzled this morning to see I'd lost the linking button for the site. Don't know when I lost that from the blog. Then I tried to go to Holidailies but all the sites related to my friends Jette and Chip seem to be down. Just a small glitch, I'm sure. I discovered that the host site for their many sites is also down.

Anyway, here I am, writing next to nothing about nothing every day. I hope you all have a day of good cheer. And nothing wrong that is life threatening.

Where Is My Head?

The reflection is a cow girl shop on Second Street. My head? Well, the cycling tooth pain and mouth problems continue. Right this second, barely there. From Tuesday night until I went to sleep last night? Yeah, that hurt. But. I talked to friends and a couple are so much worse off than I am that it made me feel like a wimp. So I buzzed around doing a few things yesterday, but not enough . A good workout, catching up with friends, organizing financial stuff and I tossed a cubic foot of old boxes with software manuals and disks inside. One said 'for Windows 3.1 and 98.' Yep. Much downsizing to go, I'd say.

Good News, Bad News

Don't you hate those 'good news, bad news' jokes? Well, my good news is that I did NOT have a root canal. That's also the bad news since that means I'll probably continue to have my symptoms. The other bad news is it cost me some money to get an inconclusive diagnosis. Something is probably going on. Which tooth isn't certain. Wait and see. But the other good news is I now I'm a patient of an endodontist who looks young enough to still be in high school so if I wake up one day with a walloping pain I can get an emergency appointment. And I'm assured that I'm not ignoring something that should be taken care of. I have a baseline X-Ray and exam with the guy and he'll do another in two weeks (for free if they still don't perform a procedure). La. Ti. Da.

It's unreasonable to feel good about this, I suppose.

I guess it was just that I knew I was doing everything I was supposed to do to take care of the problem if it's a problem.

To celebrate not having a root canal we went out and ate dinner really early at Hyde Park Bar and Grill. A couple of Shiner Bocks from the tap and some tasty food made me feel better. I have managed not to take any Advil since the weekend. This morning my mouth is in one of those states where I say "if it felt this good all the time, I wouldn't have complained."

It brought everything into perspective when we came home and, all our Netflix selections in the mail system somewhere, selected to watch a disk we own: Annie Hall. Alvie explains to Annie how everything is divided into the horrible and the miserable concluding "that's very lucky to be miserable."

Fact is I'm not even miserable right now. I was a couple of times over the long holiday weekend. Maybe I'd even disagree with Alvy. There are moments when everything that's wrong stands at bay and let's you have a look at being, if not happy, without immediate palpable misery.

Barely There

This post-holiday Monday I'm trying to re-engage with myself, get things taken care of and all that. I spent most of yesterday afternoon writing notes on Christmas cards, putting on mailing labels (or writing addresses by hand on a few) and stamping our return address. I know it's better to have fancy cards with printed return addresses and to hand write the recipient address, etc. But I do write something on the back of the (inexpensive) photo cards. I made up about 175 of these yesterday. These were selected from the around 500 address items in my database. Criteria for sending a card is complicated and involves many factors from whether we generally receive a holiday card from the recipient, whether I feel the need to keep in touch or see if the address is correct (will the card come back?), etc. We have received three cards from others already. Two were identical...one addressed to me and one to FFP.

I'm feeling a bit disjointed today. I am going to see an endodontist about my reoccurring weird mouth pain. My dad has been complaining of back problems and although each day he tells me "I'm getting better" he has nevertheless decided to go to the doctor today. He asked me yesterday to go today and shop for his groceries and vacillated today about whether he'd do it himself but finally decided I should do it. Which I'm happy to do. So I have a few errands. I have to mail stuff to Colorado today (some stuff needs to arrive before Christmas) and buy holiday stamps for all those cards. I have to buy and deliver a few groceries for my dad. I have to call the dentist and tell him that I'm going to see the endodontist so he can consult with him if he wishes. And I have to maybe have a root canal. Although probably not since I'm not in a lot of pain so they'll probably schedule it for later. I hate it when you have 'see about root canal' on your 'to do' list. I'd rather shop and I hate to shop. Actually I've never had a root canal, but anything dental is not my favorite. So it goes. I'm worried about my dad, too, of course. He's had a number of months without many complaints and of course I knew it wouldn't last forever.

The photo was taken on South Lamar last month. It evokes my feeling of being barely there in my own life today.

Nothing But Blue Skies

I am basically an optimistic person. But I'm realistic, too. This picture shows a cloudy sky reflected in the water at the bottom of the hole after the water main fix.

I don't expect everything to go wrong. Some things, yeah. And my world pretty much tracks those expectations. I read the papers. (As a lot of you know I spend too much time reading the papers.) I know that my life is charmed compared to many around the world. And in my own community.

I'm about 50-50 on whether the water main will leak again in my yard while I own the place. I think it will eventually leak out there again. Probably though something somewhere else will unexpectedly go wrong.

I expect most things to work. Luckily, in our world, most things do, most of the time. It does seem with three houses to look after that something is amiss a lot of the time. So it goes. Maintenance.

I expect to get better if I feel ill. I've been so lucky with my health my whole life. A problem went undiagnosed for a few years but once I had surgery for it 1970 I have avoided being in the hospital for an illness or accident since. I'm still not sure my problems with my mouth, face, head pain are getting better or if it will all culminate in the discovery of an abscess needing a root canal or some other problem. I have put off going to an endodontist even though a referral is lying here on my desk. Without a confirming x-ray (which the dentist didn't get on several tries) I understand that the endodontist will try to stimulate the pain with hot, cold or electrical stimulation. My own experiments don't trigger this reliably. But probably I should follow up. But I was hoping the discomfort would start occurring persistently and reliably enough that the source would be more obvious. That point may have been reached last night and early this morning. I have heard of people having a need for a root canal and being in extreme pain. And others being unaware of the nerve because it was dead. I'm some where in between. I haven't taken anything but Advil and the pain is not such that I would take a narcotic. But the thing is nagging away at me and I've got to see about stopping it.

Meanwhile it is rainy and cold. But I expect blue skies soon. Yep. I expect things to get better. And they usually do.

Down in a Hole

Since two weeks ago tomorrow, we knew in our heart of hearts that something like this lurked four or five feet below. The city fretted, argued that it was ground water, leaned on their shovels, destroyed a good swath of the yard (and lots of sprinkler pipe) looking in the wrong place with a backhoe. They chatted and leaned while waiting for backhoe repairs (first a tire and then "it just kept dying"). Then they went away and sent someone to take a sample to the lab to 'show it wasn't city water.' That guy (this was Monday) said, "By golly, it's a water main leak...I can't believe they couldn't hear it." He promised they'd come yesterday and fix a great swath of pipe so it wouldn't just happen again. So they came today (not yesterday) and what did they replace? The absolute minimum to stop the leak shown above. Now we have a mess, hundreds of dollars of sprinkler and lawn damage and a piece of our driveway knocked out.

Is that the only reason I'm down in the dumps? Not really. The holiday season has succeeded in depressing me before it began. Something about needing to buy gifts when I need to throw away most everything in the house. I tried to get a jump on the season (and get some birthday gifts off) but I arrived at my favorite pack and mail store at 3:30 and they closed at 3PM...until Monday.

And each time I think my mouth will quit its weird burning...back it comes. Maybe it's getting better and maybe not.

Other than that stuff? I had a great day, thanks. And I'm making a list of things to be thankful for. And it will be a long one, of course.

Don't Overthink It

My mouth has felt so much better the last couple of days. I still have the occasional dull ache that radiates from around the new crown up into my sinuses. But it is usually so mild now that I wouldn't notice it if I weren't looking for it. Sadly, I have to go to the dentist today for a cleaning and to check out my problems. I feel good enough that I don't want to go! Ah, well. Also the hygienist at my dentist's office has, of late, made me feel like I'd taken a beating. Admittedly it didn't last long. Not like the three months of various problems I've had with this crown thing.

But when you feel good, it's best not to overthink it. Just enjoy. Isn't it funny how, after you've felt a little bad, how good you feel when you don't feel bad anymore. Sort of better than good. And...I haven't had any Ibuprofin since early Monday. A little alcohol, though. I was telling a retired doctor at the gym about my difficulties. "Your dentist probably wouldn't recommend this," he said. "But a martini might help."

[Note: Photo is a detail of a found object art work I bought years ago.]

Where Does It Hurt?

I am a medical nihilist. When something hurts I figure it will get better. Usually, I give it time and maybe OTC drugs and it does. However, my teeth and mouth have been bothering me for nearly three months. It started with some elective dental work. The dentist felt an old filling should be removed because of a crack and the tooth crowned. I've been back to get a permanent crown (when I complained about the discomfort) and another time to get the dentist to find out why my mouth remains uncomfortable. But he didn't figure it out. I go again tomorrow. It alternatively aches near the crown and the older crown beside it. Pain occasionally refracts around my mouth. I think I've finally pinned that down, but an annoying other symptom has come up, too.

The trouble with pain is it is hard to pin down. Sometimes it almost doesn't hurt at all. (Admittedly, these times may be tracking with my use of Ibuprofen. Or whiskey. Or maybe they're just random.) Sometimes there is a raw "nerve hanging in the cold air" feeling. Sometimes it hurts to press the gum line. Especially near the old crown that is the neighbor to the new crown. There is no discomfort eating particularly or pressing straight against the tooth. No particular hot or cold sensitivity. The dentist did an Xray, adjusted the crown and prescribed an antibiotic regimen to see if that helped maybe indicating an infection and need for a root canal. Neither the adjustment or the antibiotic seemed to make much difference But it's hard to say given the volatility of the pain levels and locations. I hate trying to track down this thing and I have to wonder...if I hadn't let him drill out that filling....hmm. Preventative dentistry indeed!

As to the other malady that's come along with this problem, I think I may have a syndrome distinct from the possible problem with a tooth. It is called 'burning mouth symdrome.' My gums, tongue, lips burn and I taste a metallic taste and sometimes my mouth tingles or feels a little numb. It occurs with the tooth pain mostly but sometimes the ache is there without this and, maybe, vice versa. It builds up during the day usually. Apparently the cause of burning mouth syndrome can be thrush (fungal infection in the mouth and I haven't had a test or taken an antifungal), allergies, vitamin deficiency, prescription drugs, psychological problems, irritation, diabetes (only it would be accompanied by dry mouth and I don't have that), dental problems, yada yada. But in many cases burning mouth is just chalked up as a mystery. It is what is left when the causes and cures have been tried. A mystery often found in the post-menopausal woman but not affected by hormone therapy. (Yes, that is Internet research. My dentist just asked if I was depressed last time I visited. Now I know why. This time, if he asks, I'm going to say I'm as happy as a person can be whose mouth has hurt for three months!)

I've been getting the occasional sort of sinus headache, too, on the side with the new dental work. But that seems to have stopped mostly.

When doctors diagnose patients from their pain it's like a whispering game with nerves. I'm used to things just getting better. Today, after a good night's sleep (which followed a really bad night's sleep), my mouth doesn't feel too bad. I played tennis. I worked out a little. Sometimes it feels better if I exercise. Tomorrow I'm telling all this to my dentist. Or making him read this blog.